For today's post, I thought I'd share a few of the things that I've discovered over the last two years that have helped to strengthen my marriage.
Every personality has its upsides and its downsides.
I remind myself of this a lot - and not just in my marriage relationship. It's really true: A calm, easygoing personality can also be unmotivated; a strong, driven personality can be overpowering. Often, the very traits that attract me to a person eventually start to bug me, as their flip sides come out. It helps to take a minute to think about all of the good ways that personality trait manifests - the unmotivated person is sweet, loving, and calm; the overpowering person is fun, ambitious, and entertaining. There are two sides to every coin.
Don't get so focused on the things you think you want that you overlook the things that are already great.
Be warned: this next example is about as superficial as you have probably ever seen me get on this blog! Before I got married, my roommates and I spent a lot of time talking about "boy smell" - that elusive, knee-weakening odor, part pheremones and part cologne, that followed a boy in the door. We LOVED "boy smell." I kid you not, one girl even told me once that she used a specific Yankee Candle air freshener in her car because it smelled "like boy."
Mahon doesn't usually wear cologne (a fact which I am now grateful for, since my sensitivity to strong chemical scents has increased). While we were dating, I used to wish that he did; I used to notice with a small amount of annoyance the way he never had that "boy smell" wafting after him. The only time he had that classic "boy smell" was in the morning after he'd shaved and used his aftershave (which I still do love). For months, I thought about subtle ways to suggest that he wear cologne more regularly so that he would smell "like boy." I even tried to convince him that he should use a type of shampoo that he was actually allergic to, just because it smelled "like boy."
Suddenly, one day I was snuggling close to Mahon and I realized: he smelled so good. His scent was absolutely unique; a combination of lingering aftershave and his own skin. I had spent so much time wishing that he would wear overpowering cologne that I had neglected to notice that in fact, he ALREADY smelled good. I had been so focused on what I thought I wanted that I had overlooked how great things already were.
Think through everything twice.
Mahon often comes in and leaves his coat on the back of the kitchen chair. For the first month or two of our marriage, this really bugged me. I mean, it doesn't take that long to hang up a coat, right? After that month or two, though, it occurred to me: Mahon didn't care about how his coat looked on the kitchen chair; I was the one who found it annoying. I decided then to just start picking the coat up and putting it away myself. After all, it only takes about thirty seconds, and it seemed silly for me to make a big deal about Mahon not doing it when I was the one it mattered to. I realized that sometimes, I need to go ahead and do the things that will make me happy, rather than trying to force someone else to do them for me.
This (and other experiences) have taught me to think through everything twice. In the end, the coat episode turned out to be not a big deal at all. If I'd gone with my first instinct—to badger Mahon about it for the rest of our marriage—it would have been a big deal. And for the record: I no longer mind picking up that coat!
Divide household responsibilities in the way that works for YOU.
Our household responsibilities are continually in flux. When we first got married, I assumed that we would always be doing an equal amount of the chores; I figured out pretty quickly that that wasn't very reasonable. I'm home a lot more than Mahon is; as such, I often shoulder the bulk of the housework. On the flip side, most of the upkeep falls to Mahon when I'm really sick or in the hospital. What I've found most helpful is to identify the situations where I really need his help, and act accordingly. For example: when we do dishes together at night right after dinner, the kitchen stays dramatically cleaner—not to mention that the time spent together is an awesome bonus.
The key to marriage is unselfishness.
During our difficult engagement, Mahon and I both had to learn a LOT about communication and letting go of selfishness. I'm still not perfect at either, but I am working on it! Marriage is not martyrdom—nobody wants you to lay down and be a doormat for the sake of your relationship—but it does involve letting go of the attitude of "me" and taking on the attitude of "us."
There are lots more on my list, of course, but I'll leave it at these things lest this blog post turn into an encyclopedia. I'll just say one more thing...
Married life is the BEST!
I am DYING right now- my roommate and I had that EXACT conversation about boy smell and we even bought a candle one time for our dorm-room bc it "smelled like boys"!! I thought I was crazy- and maybe I am, but at least I've got company:).
ReplyDeleteOh no Katie - every girl I know is obsessed with "boy smell"!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I especially like the "think through everything twice" part. You can also think of it as putting yourself in your spouse's shoes. Husbands call the failure to do this "nagging" and that is the adjective every American wife dreads to hear...
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to feel defensive automatically, since our insecurities run so deep. It's hard to remember that if something bothers us... it is more likely our problem than the other person's. A jacket on a chair is no big deal, but constantly being reminded by your wife that you are not living up to her standards... that is a big deal. Little things like that really do add up and push couples apart. Same goes for men too, of course.
Oh and I must mention this, because it is a pretty funny contrast... every woman in my family is allergic to perfume/cologne. I remember the Ross girls saying they liked certain things like Old Spice or Axe on a boy, and my sister and I would always object. When my husband puts on aftershave I always wrinkle my nose and say "Ew! You smell like a boy!"
Yes - I always hate those moments when I feel like I edge into nagging. Really, there is never a reason to nag; there are two kinds of situations - those where I should really just do something myself anyway, and those where I can bring the issue up in a kinder, more loving, calmer way.
ReplyDeleteI agree totally about the defensiveness thing. And you hit the nail on the head with the jacket issue - it isn't a big deal for me to pick it up when it is there, but it WOULD be a big deal if every day when he got home from work the first thing I said to Mahon was something about his darn jacket!
As for the cologne - yeah, I'm much more sensitive to it than I used to be, so his (very very mild) aftershave is plenty for me now. That's funny though, that "boy smell" is a negative to you - I still have fond memories of all of those discussions about "boy smell"... seriously, my roommates and I were obsessed. I even remember walking into a class building one day and going "Oh my gosh, the doorway smells like boy!"